Umbrellas And Korean Newborns.

I bet that was a sentence you never expected to see. Even as I typed it out I felt I might be on to something pretty unique. So I googled Umbrellas and Korean Newborns to see if was truly a pioneer; a sole voice on the world wide web who dared break conventions and place Asian infants alongside the worlds most popular instrument for keeping dry in rainy conditions.

I wasn't. But the first link sounded extremely promising. It was apparently a video of a "Happy Narcoleptic Baby". Narcolepsy is always good for a laugh and babies have their moments so this sounded exactly the sort of thing I needed on a Wednesday. I clicked on the link and scrolled down to read the following information above the video...

"Don't worry, this adorable Korean baby doesn't really have narcolepsy".

Well that was a fucking anticlimax.

I wasn't worried, I was looking forward to it you deceitful bastard. In fact the only reason I clicked your link was to see a baby with narcolepsy who had maintained a positive disposition and outlook on life. Now I was faced with a video of a baby who was just "very tired" and who "keeps waking up, smiling..." ahhh shut up.

All babies are very tired and they all wake up too. I should have known this video would be a con. Babies are some of the laziest people on the planet so you could never diagnose narcolepsy in the little, stunted, workshy layabouts.

I have digressed slightly and you may wonder why I was including Korean newborns in this title to begin with, and I can assure you it was not simply to have a go at infants.

Upon my return to work I was informed that one of the Korean teachers had just had his first child. His wife had given birth the day before and we were given a card to sign and then asked to put in some money for a gift but to just "give whatever you would like".

Hmmmm. That might not work. If I were to give whatever I would like, I would give you absolutely nothing. In fact, if this baby has a savings account set up for him or her, I wouldn't mind borrowing from it to be honest. Provided whatever I borrow doesn't ever have to be paid back.

Some donations seemed very generous. Too generous to go towards someone who will be happy playing with a piece of wool for the next 12 months and then get immense joy from cardboard boxes for at least a couple of years after that.

But I have a reputation as a generous and thoughtful man to maintain so I wrote a heartfelt message and threw in a bundle of notes. After our meeting we clapped the new father into the room and were then shown a video from the hospital. For one ghastly moment I thought it might be a Korean tradition to share videos of the birth with co workers, but thankfully it was just a nurse holding up the baby after it had been cleaned and wrapped in a blanket.

And this is where Korea or perhaps just this one hospital takes things too far. The wrapping up. Because the blanket was wrapped in a tight square around the baby which meant it just looked like a small pillow with a human head attached. A cute little head belonging to a baby, but the body was just a pillow. No arms or legs could be seen. Not even the shape.

Which means that either his child had no limbs and he was delighted with this outcome or Korean hospitals wrap up babies like little pillows and just leave their heads poking out. I decided the second possibility was more likely. Why do they do that?

I didn't want to raise the question at that moment as everyone was cooing and clapping and shaking his hand, so to shout out "Hold on, excuse me, why have they wrapped your daughter up like a pillow? It looks like she doesn't have limbs" might dampen the atmosphere some what.

So I still don't know. If you are Korean and read this, please leave a message and tell me if this is the norm.

So to umbrellas. I tried to think of a clever link there, but umbrellas and babies just don't go together I'm afraid.

The problem I had was that it had not rained since I returned and I had no reason to believe it would. Rainy season is over and the weather has been great. So I have not concerned myself with getting an umbrella, and I was happy with this arrangement.

Until I woke up to hear the rain. Pouring rain. The type of rain that would make you quite wet indeed if you were to say walk a ten minute trip to work in it without so much as an umbrella for protection.

I began to ring co workers in my apartment block. No answer. They were probably outside with their umbrellas talking about how terrible it would be to be a person without one in this sort of weather. They were talking about me. I should resign...no, no, too drastic. I should just try and find an umbrella or accept going to work like a drowned rat.

My new apartment was previously lived in by a girl who I used to work with. She had very kindly emailed me about leaving useful things behind if I wanted them, and I had been lucky enough to get a fair bit of food, cleaning products and an iron etc. She had not mentioned an umbrella but she was the sort of person who might well have owned one. The more I thought about it, the more I seemed to remember her always being dry even during rainy weather.

I began to open every cupboard and draw in the place. Seeing as I live in a shoebox apartment that was not quite the epic search you might have envisaged, and in the last cupboard I opened....triumph. An umbrella!

Oh but the triumph was short lived. Because of course this was a girls old apartment. This umbrella had a brightly coloured handle, and huge turquoise polka dots all over it. It was a quite incredibly feminine umbrella. I am a man. A man who likes rare steak, films with gratutious violence and holds many outdated and offensive views.

I needed a man's umbrella. One in no more than two colours, and ideally one solid colour, which should be either white, black or navy blue. If there had to be some sort of emblem or picture on such an umbrella it should be something like a skull and crossbone or a lion punching a rhino.

Polka dots were a long way from brawling beasts and turquoise is several shades adrift from trusty, masculine navy blue.

So quite mortified with my appearance I began the walk to work; hunched under my garish, girls umbrella, not daring to look at passers by in the eye. Until I saw him. A young boy of no more than 8 years old.

He was stood outside a shop eating chocolate and holding an umbrella above his head. A Spiderman umbrella. Spiderman is a hero. In fact, he us a "super" hero and not afraid to use violence to resolve problems. A Spiderman umbrella whilst slightly childish was infinitely more acceptable for a man of my standing than the one I had now.

I could mug that boy.

I could walk up and make him take my umbrella in exchange for his. He might put up a fight, they learn Taekwondo here...but...I fancied my chances. He looked up and our eyes met. He couldn't be more than 4ft 1" tall, I could definitely take him.

Then he turned to the sound of a womans voice and I cursed under my breath. His mother had come out of the shop and was with him. She looked up at the rain and took out her umbrella. She opened it. It was navy blue. A single solid navy throughout its manly frame.

She looked up and our eyes met. She couldn't be more than 5ft 2", I could definitely....NO.

I dragged myself away and scurried to work under my parasol of shame and immediately switched it for a blue and white one I found in our staff kitchen.

But never again will I make such a mistake, although if this had never happened I would never have discovered the video of a narcoleptic baby that doesn't have narcoplepsy. A video which you are all no doubt watching right now.

So you owe me one.