Well it has been a month since I last blogged. After such a triumphant return you would think that I would have leapt back into the hustle and bustle of my teaching life and been eager to share it with the handful of people following my exploits. You would have been wrong to think such a thing.
I have been so busy that I felt sick at the mere thought of sharing anything with you. In the mood I was in, I would have spat in your face if you asked to share a light snack with me, nevermind my innermost thoughts and feelings.
My school gave me a horribe schedule. No surprises there and then I got food poisoning. It is difficult to explain why getting food poisoning is worse for me than for other humans, but I will attempt to enlighten you. Up until September 2009, I had never had food poisoning in my life and I had certainly tried. I ate from squalid road side huts in Cambodia, I ate old yogurts at home that were 2 months past their use by date and I even ate a sausage from a barbecue that had been left on a plate in my backgarden over night.
And not a hint of food poisoning. This led me to announce to anyone who would listen that I was "immune to food poisoning". A number of people tried to reason with me and suggest I had been fortunate. I mocked them and ridiculed their way of life.
Then one fateful night in September 2009 I bought a chicken (yes a whole chicken) from my local kebab shop. I ate it, as one tends to do with chickens. I got salmonella. I was obviously very ill, but more importantly I was psychologically damaged. My world view had been rocked and I was not the man who sneered at salmonella and scoffed at E-Coli; I was a normal man, a man who could get food poisoning.
My critics crawled out from under the rocks they had been hiding under and told me that they had tried to explain to me that my boasting was foolish. You would think that I would be humbled and begrudgingly accept my folly. You would be wrong to think such a thing. That is the second time in one blog that you have thought something and be quite wrong about it, but I shall not hold it against you.
So disgusted was I at my bodies weakness to salmonella that I masked my insecurity with more bravado and proclaimed that I would "never again get food poisoning". My friends and family shook their heads and sighed. I laughed, waved my finger and told them that I was indeed tempting fate but that I would never get my comeuppance.
My comeuppance took less than two years to arrive and it arrived promptly on Sunday March 20th after I had just been to Seoul to watch Little Spoon, Rudeboy Yatesy and Chocolate Orange put in an outstanding effort to complete the Seoul International Marathon.
The Friday night before this, our two faced, money grabbing employer had tried to sweeten us up with a meal out. A meal of seafood. A meal that involved watching a slug like, shell fish being cooked alive on a grill. If you are prejudiced against slug like, shell fish you would love this. As a man who has long admired slug like, shell fish I felt slightly uncomfortable watching it spin and writhe on its shell and attempt to crawl off, only to feel the even greater heat of the grill and jerk back onto its increasingly hot shell.
Some of the teachers chose not to eat this poor little blighter. I however, decided that his suffering should not be in vain and I ate a good deal. It tasted nice, and Little Spoon and Blancquita tucked in too.
But the tortured slug was to have the final laugh. Because moments after Little Spoon finished her marathon, she began to feel ill. Being a general know it all and self proclaimed medical expert, I informed her that it was simply dehydration. She began to vomit violently. I nodded. Definitely dehydration. Then Blancquita began to be sick. I raised my eyebrows, because she had not run a marathon. Just a coincidence then.
Then I was sick. And as it turned out so was everybody who ate the little slug like, shell fish. When I find out the correct name, I will inform you, but I also intend to return and eat one again. Because we are now mortal enemies. You might be thinking that I would stay clear of something that gave me food poisoning, but let's be honest you have not been very accurate with your thoughts so far have you? As it happens you would be wrong for a third time, because I am not in the least concerned about getting food poisoning again, for a simple reason.
I will never get food poisoning again. Ever. That is a bold claim, but one I make, confident in the knowledge that I will never get my comeuppance.
Talking of unusual Korean foods, I should warn anyone planning on coming here about Korean Salt. I'll be honest, I had not encountered any problems with Korean salt myself, but a major one was drawn to my attention by Little Spoon.
As you may recall she likes to eat limes with salt. As you may also recall I had smuggled a bag of limes into the country at the risk of five years imprisonment, and Little Spoon had bought herself a large bag of salt for the occasion.
I watched her prepare her ludicrous snack in the way you might watch a beetle on its back struggle to get back onto its feet. But I did not envisage the problem that was to emerge...
Little Spoon: "Mmmmm....hmmmm...strange."
Me: "What's strange, other than this entire snack?"
Little Spoon: "It tastes different than at home. It's not horrible, but...it tastes not right."
She frowns a little and then dips her hand into the bag of salt and tastes it.
Little Spoon: "Yep, it's the salt. Korean salt is weird."
Me: "It can't be, salt is just salt."
Little Spoon: "NO, Korean salt is weird, come here and taste it if you don't believe me."
So I did.
Me: "You're right. Korean salt is weird. Korean salt is sugar."
As you can imagine this issue with Korean salt is quite inconvenient. It could ruin an entire trip and certainly would ruin many meals. But thankfully I have found a solution. If you fancy something with salt on it, then don't use Korean salt (because it's sugar remember), just use Korean sugar. Because Korean sugar is salt. Strange eh? Well either that or Little Spoon just picked up the wrong bag, but I doubt that could have happened.
So as another week began at work on Monday, it was time for another staff meeting and a quick reminder from our employers about what was expected of us. The usual things were mentioned, such as make sure you are on time. Finish student reports by the deadline and a few guidelines on grading.
But then a bombshell. A totally unreasonable and outlandish demand.
"Remember not to touch your kids".
WHAT? Don't touch the kids? You will be telling me I have to wear trousers during lessons next. Everyone seemed a bit surprised to hear that we shouldn't fondle the children, but if that's what the Koreans want then fair enough, when in Rome and all that...
Anyway I am off to have a cup of Korean coffee. That's tea to you and me.
