Am I The Most Shallow Man In Daegu?

I am facing another personal crisis. In only five months I have dealt with numerous traumas with a heroism and ingenuity that few could match. From the disaster of my Small Off competition I rose like a Phoenix from the flames to win back my friends with a dynamic almost virtuoso vocal performance in a Korean karaoke aka Norebang.

I was then shamed into addressing my feeble physical fitness and two months on I'm still at the gym, righting eight years of wrongs. But now it is my very person that is being exposed for the shallow, juvenile shambles that it is.

Initially I put my concerns down to having too many American friends.
They are enthusiastic about everything and my quiet apathy towards planet earth and human existence doesn't always look so great when alongside a people who use words like "awesome" to describe a warm drink.

But as the weeks have drifted by, it has become painfully apparent that they are simply more rounded people than me. All of them. And not just the Americans, every single friend I have here loves all manner of things and is passionate about numerous hobbies or natural wonders.

They all like hiking for a start. This is anathema to me as the only reason I walk at all is because I wasn't born able to teleport from one space to the next and thus far none of my friends have agreed to push me from spot to spot in a wheelchair or work as a team to carry me in a sedan chair.

Enthusiastic Friend:"Hey we're going for a hike just outside Daegu, fancy coming along?"

Me: "What? Oh a friendly invitiation, well I was planning on watching re-runs of old British comedies and eating yogurt today, but as you've asked, what's at this hike? Anything to do when it ends?"

Still Enthusiastic Friend: "Well sure, it ends in a little town, we'll probably get something to eat and have a drink or two, but the walk is going to be aweso..."

Me (rudely butting in): "Ah okay, and how long will this hike take?"

Fairly Enthusiastic Friend: "About three hours."

Me: "Right well you guys set off and in about two hours and fourty-five minutes I'll get a taxi and meet you in the town."

Herein lies the problem. I'm becoming known as a man who only likes to drink beer and eat food. That's not fair, I like at least three other things and by God I want credit for them.
But everywhere I turn there are new opportunities to prove to my friends that I am a man with the depth of a paddling pool.

There is a festival of some sort every bloody week in Korea. I had probably been to one festival in my entire life before coming here and I've been to three in five months. Sandcastles, Fireworks and one based on Mud! Who the hell has a festival about Mud? Koreans. And sure I had a good time, but I still complained, it was too muddy.

Now I'm being invited to lantern festivals, foreign film festivals, Kimchi festivals...and when I don't go they look at me, and they know I wont be watching adults making lanterns out of coloured paper, because I will be in a bar. I'm losing a little bit of them,day by day.
Soon they will grow weary of the sardonic Brit with a drinking problem routine and cast me aside like a badly made lantern at a festival celebrating well made lanterns.

My problem is that a lot of what I like is either surreal or puerile. So the Monkeys racing Greyhounds that I love or a debate on who would win in a fight out of a Rhinoceros and a Hippopotamus. In case you're wondering, my research suggests it comes down to the fight venue. On land, the Rhino wins in brutal fashion, but in the water the Hippo takes his man down...anyway...

If I don't want to be alone in my room cursing these people for their well rounded personalities and broad range of interests, I need to do something and do it fast. I have two options. Firstly I could open my mind to new experiences, try new things and expand my horizons or alternatively I could become a compulsive liar.

Liar it is then.

I can picture it now...

Friend with many interests: "Hey man, here's something you will like, we're going to a bar in about an hour, I'm sure you'll come right?"

Me: "Don't be so sure my friend, whilst I will join you later for a mineral water, I'm actually downloading Irish Gypsy Bareknuckle...erm...I mean...I've just downloaded a documentary on Nietzsche and his influence on existentialism. So once I've made notes on that, I'll see you there. Good day."

But what about when I get to the bar? I will need to continue to dupe my friends with a carefully crafted web of deceit...

Another friend with a myriad interests: "So good documentary?"

Me: "Yes although I got distracted as my new book on Renaissance Art was delivered yesterday and I've been dying to dive in."

Now Excited Friend: "Oh dude AWESOME, I love the Renaissance Era, who is your favourite?"

Me: "Oh...erm...well...I think to choose a favourite would do a disservice to the impact of a plethora of great works...anyway just a tick, I must urinate..."

This is going to be tough. Very very tough. And now it is getting worse, because my interesting friends are adding hobbies and classes to their already multifaceted characters. Dubs wants to start Yoga! Zucchini (formerly known as Emily, but everyone wants a nickname now) has taken up meditation and Rude Boy Yatesy, Tiny and several others take Korean classes.

Damn them all. I will need to hide indoors and lie about being at a class. Where am I? Oh I'm just starting my basket weaving class, and will meet them in a couple of hours. Yes yes basket weaving, I've always liked to er weave things and baskets...represent the...human spirit??

FUCK THIS.

It won't work. I have to embrace my miserable array of interests and my awful personality and use it to drag the others down to my level. I cannot change, I will not change and I refuse to be made to feel guilty about it any longer. I am who I am, and as a great man once said "I will not apologise, I'm sorry but that's just the way I am."