At Last A Kindred Spirit In Class...

I realise my blogs are becoming a little bogged down in my lessons (I almost went for a pun of "blogged down" but realised it didn't work at all)and very little else, but I promise that soon I will return to riveting tales of me behaving like a cretin at nighttime or blathering on about what I had for lunch.

So cut me some slack and use some empathy when I tell you of my latest predicament.

It was a chilly Saturday afternoon and I was on my way to teach. "On a Saturday?!", I hear you shout in rage...well quite. This semester I have had Saturdays off, but Blancquita went back to the USA for three weeks and I was lumbered with her higher level class on a Saturday afternoon.
Ever the professional, I altered nothing of my Friday night schedule and decided that preparation was uncalled for, as I would wing it based on my quick wits and charming persona.

So bleary eyed and having yet to so much as glance at the subject for the day, I staggered into my class and found a small group of some of the schools best English speakers. These kids probably have a better vocabulary than half of my friends back home and they expect and want a high quality lesson. Well here is one of lifes lessons kids, you don't always get what you want.

I didn't want to be here, but here I am and now you will share my pain for the next three hours.

I handed out their tests and decided that I would use this time to work out what I was going to say about the days topic. I open the book. I begin to read. Oh God no...please no. I feel my hands shaking and bile rising up into my throat and bile shouldn't be there, it should be in the small intestine.

Todays topic was a pro feminist discussion on why women make superior police officers. Now some of you don't know me that well but some of you sadly do and those who do can only imagine the horror that this posed to an antiquated, boorish chauvinist like myself.

I could already envisage myself three hours from now, sat gently sobbing under a hot shower as I scrubbed at my red raw skin with a brillo pad and bleach.

I am not paid anywhere near enough for this. But I am a professional and I did do Drama at high school. Hey, if I could play the role of an alcoholic father and a mere two minutes later switch seamlessly into character as a detective, surely I could pull off this lesson with some level of believability?

And so it began...but then I saw a glimmer of hope. There was a section where I was to ask the kids which jobs were male dominated and how we could change this. Instead I asked them to tell me which jobs were dominated by each gender and why they thought this was. And here it was that Koreas ingrained sexist culture began to rear it's beautiful head.

The first male dominated job they came up with was a Taxi Driver. Good, and what else? From here I was given Bus Driver, Train Driver, Subway Driver, Pilot and The Captain of a Ship. Right yes lots of drivers. One boy pipes up with "Garbage collector" and I asked him if that was because they have to drive a Garbage Truck. They were all very amused...easy crowd.

So I asked why were driving jobs dominated by men...and a girl named Anna decided to explain it...

Anna: "Because men are better drivers"

Oh I could kiss you Anna, but I wont because it would result in instant dismissal and possible jail time. Instead I will play Devils Advocate despite the glaring truth of your astute observation...

Me: "Okay so that might be the attitude in society and maybe that's putting women off these jobs, so do you think it is the idea that men are better drivers that stops women, or do you really think men are actually better drivers?"

Anna: "No teacher it is real, men are better drivers"

Me: "Okay interesting, maybe that is true..."

Anna: "Not maybe teacher, it is a scientific fact"

Well, I'm not going to be the one to argue with science, so that settled it.

But this once terrifying lesson continued to get better. It came to their class presentations, two groups of girls and one group of boys, all in pairs and they had to present their views on gender bias and whether gender roles in jobs should be changed.

At this point they all asked various questions about which examples they could use, how much fact to opinion was acceptable etc and it was looking good. Then I hear one of the boys say to the other "We should just explain why men are better" and his team mate said "No, we will lose, teacher will not like it."

Ah...my poor deluded child, how little you know me. I said "You can do whatever you like, I wont grade you on whether I agree with you, but whether or not you support your argument with good vocabulary terms and relevant examples"

And so the three groups presented. The first girls group was excellent, they spoke for five minutes with a multitutde of examples and a truly objective and fair stance. The second girls group was shorter but even better, the scientist Anna argued that outside of spatial awareness in driving, most biological differences had no bearing on the gender roles in jobs. I was impressed.

Finally the boys. Don't let me down lads.

Jack: "Gender bias is good, because men are better than women."

Strong start.

Harry: "Women can only do two jobs well, babysitting and cooking Dukbokki"

At this point I should point out that Dukbokki is a very nice but fairly simple dish often sold by street vendors or for fairly cheap in Korean cafes etc.

Jack: "Yes women cook Dukbokki well, but men cook luxurious foods from across the world and they drive a lot better. Women cannot drive very well, they are good at babysitting"

By this point I am laughing. They then list all the things that men can drive and believe me if you know of a vehicle it was probably included in their list. The girls are going crazy "No teacher why are you laughing, stop it's bad"

I explained it was very funny but that didn't mean I agreed. And to be honest their presentation was by far and away the worst. Listing a long line of things men drive and saying women babysit doesn't quite stand up to the in depth discussion of human biology and social influences on jobs that the winning girls group did.

If anything by the end I felt that Jack and Harry might have set the mens movement back a little and given some credence to the outrageous claims of the days lesson.

Still at least I could go home and shower without the need for bleach or scouring utensils.

Demons in Daegu...Beware the Red Mask!

Since promising to update this ramshackle blog twice a week, I have in fact managed to leave it almost two weeks before this latest collection of irrelevant and random information. But if you hear the chilling tale I am about to unveil, I feel you will understand why my mind has been in turmoil and rather than typing out segments of my mundane existence I have been peering through cracks in the curtains and securing my windows and doors.

The living nightmare I know inhabit is down to my local Korean information board, also known as fourteen year olds Sera and Amy who I teach twice a week and who have so far taught me about rabbits living on the moon and of course the famous Dinosore (sic) "Clecle".

Our lessons are becoming a form of cultural exchange, where I teach them something of a little use that improves their English and they teach me something of absolutely no value whatsoever that makes me look at the map of Korea, frown and shake my head in a condescending fashion.

But nothing could have prepared me for the shock of learning about the band of marauding demonic spirits that stalk the Daegu streets at night. How this came up I can't quite remember, but I'd imagine that it was a successful attempt by one of them to veer me off topic and thus give themselves a break from my interminably dull style of teaching.

One of the girls began to tell me about "The Red Mask". This was apparently a woman who would knock on your door at night or approach you on a quiet street and ask if you thought she was beautiful. If you answered her in any fashion she would then slash your mouth open to give you the appearance of The Joker from Batman.

Apparently the Red Mask had herself got this distinctive scar, and she has been adding people to her exclusive club of facially mutilated Koreans for several years. I was fairly displeased with this news and told my students so.

Me: "She sounds very unreasonable and I think someone should put a stop to this. Have any of you called the police? This is exactly the sort of thing the police can help with."

Amy: "No teacher, police can no help..."

Me: "Woah there Amy, I understand your cynicism, but you cannot lose all faith in the police. They can help. Let's call them, tell them all about this awful Red Mask lady and get her put where she belongs: Behind Bars."

Sera and Amy: "NO TEACHER! Is no lady, is ghost spirit. Police can no stop Red Mask"

Ah. This was trickier than I thought. So the Red Mask was a "ghost spirit", which in my experience is possibly the worst type of spirit you can find. I put the English books back on the shelf and told them to put away their work, this was no time for learning.
I needed to know more and to find a way to rid Daegu of this peril. I am afterall a superficial man and the last thing I want is to end up teaching a group of teenagers who are not only utterly bored with me, but also horrendously scarred and difficult to look at.

Me: "I'll sort this out girls. Other than the sliced open mouth what does she look like? Does she actually have a red mask?"

Sera: "Red Mask is her a name. She very tall teacher, maybe taller than you and long hair."

Taller than me? She was taller than my towering height of 6ft? Preposterous. Who was this Red Mask? The demonic reincarnation of Robert Wadlow in drag? I had had my doubts to the validity of this ghost-spirit at the outset but now the realms of believabilty were being truly tested.

I was about to dismiss this whole thing and return to my monotone, subdued lesson on the rainforests when Amy dropped another bombshell.

Amy: "She is worst mask. More bad than Blue Mask"

What in the name of Vishnu? It turned out there was a Blue Mask who pulled your eyes out. But it didn't stop there, Daegu was home to a veritable A-Team of demons. A Black Mask who removes the top of your head and eats your brain, a White Mask who does something they can't remember and last of all a Yellow Mask who gives you....wait for it....A BIG NOSE!

They seemed fairly concerned about the Yellow Mask, but I felt and still do feel that he or she is letting down the team. Whilst the rest of the Masks clearly take their work seriously and vary from tearing your face open to leaving you dead with an empty skull, the Yellow Mask gives you a larger than average nose. Pathetic attempt. I'm happy with my nose in its current form, but if the Yellow Mask brutally gave me a larger one, I'm sure I could cope.

To be honest if I was one of the other Masks I would be suggesting that Yellow goes home and works on a new routine.

But the other three Masks had me shook. What a fool I had been this past 4 or so months, strolling home at 5am in the morning with the strut and swagger of a man confident that he is safe and in no danger. Yes there is no real crime here, but all along I could have been moments from having my brain consumed, my eyes torn from my skull or God help me a more imposing nose.

Before we left class, I wanted to thank them for their warning and ask how to avoid the perils of the other Masks. They had helpfully informed me that if I said nothing to the Red Mask and simply turned and walked away, she would probably not reach down to maul me from her colossal height of 6ft 1", but rather slink off into the shadows.

My biggest concern was obviously the Black Mask and I can assure you that this is not due to any racial prejudice. I don't profile Masks and although I never found out what the White Mask does, I'm sure it's pretty bad. Equality for all demonic Mask creatures is a must, but at the end of the day the Black Mask would open up my skull, and leave me quite literally brainless and no longer alive, which seemed a worse fate than the rest.

And it was here that I got another fascinating insight into the "logic" of a Korean girl.

Me: "Well the Black Mask is obviously the worst, how do I avoid him?"

Amy and Sera: "No! Red Mask is worst"

Me: "What? How can the Red Mask be worse? She leaves you with a scar on your face, but you're alive. The Black Mask murders you. How can the Red Mask possibly be worse?"

Amy and Sera: "She only ghost who talk to you. Black Mask not speak. Red Mask talk to you, is the worst teacher, very bad."

Well of course.

Teaching in Daegu: An Example Of The Work I Must Grade...

Don't worry, this is not some rambling essay, just a quick word for word transcript of a presentation by two 14 year old girls in my class yesterday. Let me set the scene. I have 8 students, all with no more interest in being in class than me.

During the time I gave them to prepare for a test, two of the girls spent the first ten minutes drawing elephants until I confiscated their pads of paper, but in fairness they were very good elephants and I did congratulate them on their excellent artwork.

Now to the presentation. The task was clearly set out. In groups of two they devise an interview; the reporter has travelled back in time to any period of history they like to interview someone about their life. I start brainstorming ideas with them, but it seems that the weather inside their brains is rather tranquil with at best a cool, refreshing breeze. So I storm it alone.

I give examples of questions they can ask, what do you eat, what is life like, is it dangerous? I give periods of history they could go to, from the Second World War to thousands of years back when nobody had electricity and people fought wars with swords.

Three of the groups got it. The elephant artists produced a fairly surreal interview, that didn't quite cover the ideas discussed. My first doubts about this historical glimpse into past human lives were raised when they asked me how many years ago dinosaurs lived.

I said "About 200 million years, but you are interviewing a person remember, people did not live with dinosaurs". They nodded and said "Yes teacher" about fifteen times and I left them to it. Mistake.

Now due to pronunciation, I sometimes miss little details, so the kids hand in the transcripts of their work so I can take into account additional details that I maybe missed whilst watching them present. So here is the full transcript (spellings left as they were) of a news reporters interview with a person from a different period of history...

Reporter: "Hello! I'm in the two hundred million years ago earth."

Interviewee: "I'm King's daughter dinosore. I'm name is clecle."

Reporter: "Oh! Your name is very pretty."

Interviewee: "Oh thank. I love you!"

Reporter: "Ok. Let's question. How did you bone?" (I think they meant born. Or at least I hope they did)

Interviewee: "God makes me pretty. I thank you for God."

Reporter: "And what do you eat" (Ah good, so my teaching wasn't a total waste, they threw in one of the examples from the board, genius.)

Interviewee: "I don't eat person. Don't worry."

Reporter: "Oh that's good. Are you have a boyfriend?"

Interviewee: "Emmm, I have two boyfriend."

Reporter: "Oh, you're bad girl."

Interviewee: "Do you want to die?

Reporter: "Thank you very much!"

So Clecle the Slut Dinosaur gave me a fascinating insight into human experiences in the past and there was even a drawing of a dinosaur breathing fire. Although this dinosaur/dragon picture was frankly not as good as the one of a cartoon elephant, that took so much of their time that they failed their test.

I gave them a B+.

The same two girls told me indepth about some Korean ghosts I should be wary of and were responsible for the previous argument about mice living on the moon. Don't worry about my safety though, their ghost survival guide has me fully prepared for any supernatural attacks and you too can learn of the perils of living amongst demonic Korean spirits in my next blog.

Korean Pets And The Tragedy Of Mr Crab.

There are some quite ludicrous beliefs in Korea, in fact so many that they are worth a blog entry of their own, but for now I will just briefly mention one that two girls in a class a few weeks ago told me about.

I realise that this might fall under the same type of fun for the kids bullshit as Father Christmas and The Easter Bunny, but they seemed worryingly convinced that it was real.

Rabbits live on the moon.

Yes. Apparently quite large rabbits who make rice cakes have been plying their trade in some lunar warren for many years now. I objected to this claim with some vigour but the two highschool girls refused to budge ground and our lesson descended into me laughing at them and them loudly insisting that the moon has rabbits on it.

In fairness to South Korean culture, it could just be that I have two retarded students who drop acid before class, but during a break I googled it and sure enough there is an old folklore about a giant rabbit making rice cakes on the moon. The problem is that my students seem to have adapted it to more than one rabbit and seem far too defensive about the probability of this being true.

It was thinking about rabbits that led to a conversation about pets with a few fellow teachers. I informed them that my first pet as a child was a rabbit, that I cleverly named "Bunny". Yes, Bunny the rabbit, and yet I still have the nerve to question the cognitive function of some of my students.

But pets here just seem odd. All the pet dogs are tiny. A while back, we were eating out near a beach resort and a man with a tray of puppies came around to see if we wanted to play with them for a bit. We did. I hope we were not part of some pre- cooking ritual that aims to relax them and soften the meat, but regardless I've seen tiny dogs and once tiny cats whilst out drinking and eating and that can't be normal.

But the main pet that seems weird is the hedgehog. Who the hell has a hedgehog as a pet? It seems quite a lot of people, including one of our former teachers Stacy who has one called Conrad.
During our frank and fascinating discussion of pets I asked what Conrad did, as everytime I saw him he was curled up in a motionless ball. She insisted that he often hangs from the cage by his teeth. Right...no disrespect to him or any of his prickly colleagues but I'm not sold.

I was cursed with bad luck with my pets as a child. Bunny was killed by some local pranksters on Halloween and my pet gerbil Arthur accidentally got his head stamped on by my friend from next door after I had only owned him for an hour.

But I was not the only one with a sorry tale to tell. Little Spoon had a story that was almost a Shakespearean tragedy and it involved two pets that are even more bizarre than hedgehogs.

Sit down and have some tissues to hand as I tell you the tale of Froggy the Frog and Mr Crab.

Froggy the Frog lived in a tank with all the mod cons that a happy go lucky frog in the late 80s could desire. Mr Crab lived in his own tank and led an equally productive and well rounded life. Their paths had never crossed and life was good.

Then one fateful day, a young Little Spoon decided that they might become good friends and she put Mr Crab into the tank with Froggy the Frog. There is a reason that the term "being crabby" means irritable and Mr Crab was evidently the embodiment of cantankerous.
No sooner had Little Spoon left them to become acquainted, than Mr Crab attacked Froggy and upon her return was half way through eating his head.

Clearly distressed that the friendship had turned sour so quickly, Little Spoon decided that she needed to relax and felt that a spot of sun bathing would do the trick. She also decided that Mr Crab (who let me remind you is a crab) might also like to sunbathe.
So they lay out in the scorching hot LA sun until Little Spoon went back inside for a while and forgot that Mr Crab was still soaking up the rays.

And as she finished this tale it went something like this...

Little Spoon: "So I came back a few hours later and he was dead."

Me: "Really? What a shock, how on earth could an aquatic based animal like a crab have died sunbathing?"

Little Spoon: "I don't know, we never found out, maybe it was old age. How long do crabs live for?"

At this point I somehow became the first person in over 20 years to point out that if you put a crab on a dry rock directly under the sun for almost a day with no water it will die. For fucks sake, you could try that trick with all manner of things and they probably wouldn't do too well; a puppy, a newborn baby, an amputee victim and absolutely definitely a crab.

The conversation drifted towards ideal pets, to which I proposed a monkey. No surprises there and I stunned Dubs, Little Spoon and Justice by telling them about monkey greyhound racing. An old sport that I read about and one that surely needs a major revival. Dubs loved the idea and Justice was amused.

Little Spoon said "Why a monkey racing a greyhound, wouldn't some other animals work better?"

When asked for an example of a superior animal combination for a racer and it's jockey, she said "I don't know, maybe a tortoise and a hamster".

I was and still am, utterly and totally lost for words. But please enjoy this picture of a monkey greyhound racer...