It was Monday morning and the English teachers of our school had been summoned to a meeting with the schools owner and our new manager. Apparently we were to be introduced to the manager, and given a morale boosting talk that would have us brimming with excitement and enthusiasm for the upcoming weeks.
I could barely contain myself; coming into work an hour early is something I have always relished, especially when it is unpaid and I spent the previous evening drinking heavily.
We take our seats and the owner and the new manager stroll in grinning like the Cheshire Cat and...the manager looks about eleven. This boy is my manager? When he first walked in, I was about to tell him to go and wait for class and buy himself a lollypop. He'd better be good.
Little Boy in his Dads clothes:"Hi guys, first of all thanks for coming".
Reasonable start, I decide to stay and hear him out.
Little Boy in his Dads clothes:"The owner is a bit disappointed in some of the things you guys have done. Many of you have only got 24 or 27 hours work a week and yet not one of you has asked if you can do anything else"
Right. My usually sunny disposition had rapidly clouded over and rain was on the way. I look around the room and see a mixture of bemusement and distaste.
So let me get this right. You give us our contracts and assign classes, you then feel that outside of the job we are here for, we should offer to do little extras?
Like what? Perhaps I could nip in on my ONE DAY A WEEK OFF and say, mop the floors? Maybe you would like me to finish teaching 6 hours of lessons and, I don't know...clean the toilets, repaint the ceiling, build you a fucking extension and kit it out with a rocking horse and some crayons so the new manager has something to do?
So you're dissapointed that we haven't asked for a list of chores to do when we are not in class? Well I'm dissapointed too. I'm dissapointed that I can't come to work drunk. I'm dissapointed that I can't slap the kids. So we're both dissapointed, let's just move on.
And then we are informed that if we don't get more students some of us might be sacked. Excellent. Now I'm not sure if "morale boosting" means something different in Korea, but considering this is an English school they seem to have their definitions a little confused.
But now it becomes some sort of surreal good cop, bad cop routine.
Owner:"And please don't think that you should just do your one year, we want you to stay for two or three years, all of you."
Ah...so we might be sacked at any moment, but we can stay for several years. Gottya.
Then we hear about "Summer Intensives". Additional classes that are from 9.30am to 12.30pm, and we get no extra pay. YES! Sign me up.
Apparently intensives offer us a "great opportunity". Hmmm...there's that translation issue again, this is like when you told us you wanted us to stay for ever, but you might sack us. It is like when you told us you would boost morale and then you crushed it.
I think you confused the meaning of "great opportunity" with the meaning of "complete fucking pain in the arse".
The manager is still smiling and asks if we are all good. Allow me to answer in the theme of the meeting. "Yes we are great, that was a fantastic meeting, I look forward to the next one." Oh my mistake, translation problems you know how it is;I meant to say "No we are borderline suicidal, your meeting was fucking retarded and I hope you are both run over by a sewage truck on the way home".
And the news just keeps getting better. I have been given two summer intensives per week for the next month. Oh joy of joys. And then the toddler in charge tells me to come and see him for my training, this should be brilliant. What are you training me in? Finger painting? How to make a farting noise with your hand under your armpit? I look forward to it; or should I have said I'd rather gouge out my own eye with a rusty spoon? It's so tricky to find the right words in these meetings.
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