What's a Small Off?

It was a bleak and wet Friday night when I bravely headed downtown to addle my brain with cheap alcohol. I was accompanied by a gaggle of fellow teachers who have yet to be introduced and the infamous Little Spoon.
The new teachers were a married couple known to me as Tiny and Justice and a cheerful chap from Connecticut called Dubs.

A brief introduction. Tiny and Justice are not actually characters from a new cartoon or a comic book, crime fighting duo. I named Tiny as such because she is not tall, a hilarious and astute nickname I'm sure you'll agree and one that requires a rapier like wit to think up.
Justice is her husband and there is very little reason for his nickname (which nobody,including me actually uses, it's purely for this blog) other than it sounds like his last name.

Then there is Dubs. I have often felt that Americans from the east coast have a closer sense of humour and political outlook with Brits than the rest of America, there seems more self deprecating humour and a more objective world view. Dubs is only 23 years old but more than vindicates my ridiculous, wild generalisation about a nation of over 300 million people. Because despite being the youngest teacher, he has a much older head on his shoulders.
Not literally obviously, that would be bizarre. In fact that would be so freakish I frankly wouldn't be friends with him.

So the four of them are drinking and laughing whilst I am drinking and thinking. I leave all this idle merriment to them as I have important thoughts to ponder. Something has caught my eye...

Tiny and Little Spoon are standing up, (or at least I think they are it can be hard to tell) and despite my fantastic 20/20, eyes of the hawk vision, I can't tell who is the smallest. As you can imagine this is a pressing matter and it leads me to invent the worlds greatest one on one competition.

"Oi, how about a small off?"

Some loud mouthed, drunken yob has just shouted at the two girls. What a dick. Everyone looks at me. Oh that was me.

Through the mists of inebriation I had devised what seemed like a gripping and hysterical sport. Loosely based around the concept of a "dance off" but without the stupid dancing and with more emphasis on being small.

I explain it, and lick my lips as I wait for the feedback to my fantastic idea. They are going to love this, who wouldn't? Nobody is laughing. Fair enough, still trying to get to grips with the rules and a little in awe. Tiny has her eyebrows raised and is looking at me as if I had burst into her family home on Christmas Day and pissed on the childrens presents.

Justice and Dubs look bemused and Little Spoon is eating popcorn. It's just me and Tiny, face to face, well no, face to waist. It is here that I should explain that despite her size she might be the loudest woman currently residing in Asia. Justice is a quietly spoken man who thinks carefully before making a considered and interesting point. Tiny is a megaphone trapped inside a human form.

"WHAT THE HELL IS A SMALL OFF?"

I thought I had explained, oh well I'll explain again.
She stands back to back with Little Spoon and we see who is smaller; we all cheer and laugh and the victor is the smallest one who wins...some mild praise and head patting.

Actually it's not as good as I had first thought. As I explain it again I'm beginning to doubt whether it will ever become the global phenomenon I had envisaged. I know lots of small girls back in the UK, some of them are reading this. They wont have known until now that I had planned on signing them up on my return to a sort of Small Off Federation, like the professional wrestling organisations. I was going to take them on tour....

My dreams are in tatters. This is a rubbish sport, nothing even happens and the winner doesn't even win anything. Not only that but the loser doesn't mind losing and the whole event takes about 2 seconds. I might be an idiot.

Tiny calls me an idiot.So that's that confirmed.
Little Spoon is finally paying attention and says she will punch me "in the jugular". I doubt she can reach, but I refrain from her telling her so. Still Dubs seems to like it and Justice is sort of smiling, so maybe deep down he thought it was great but didn't want to go through divorce proceedings in Korea.

We finish our beers and decide to put this ridiclous idea that Dubs came up with, behind us and go to sing at a Norebang (Korean Karaoke)...and you will hear all about my dulcet tones next time.