Insulting Students And Baby Sitting.

It's been over a month since I posted, and this time I don't even have the excuse of having done anything worthwhile, such as getting my TEFL. In fact, I wouldn't even have written this blog today if it weren't for a young wench called Emma who practically begged me to write something new in order to distract her from life back in England. All hate mail for Emma can be sent to me, and I will ensure it is passed on.

The past month has however, been slightly eventful. I learnt the Korean word for monkey, which has obviously proved invaluable when out and about ordering food or trying to talk to Koreans, and a rat found its way into my apartment by coming through the drain in the bathroom. All in all a wild few weeks that make for some gripping stories to tell my grandchildren.

There has however been one major change in my work schedule and not one that I enjoy. I have been given the task of teaching earlier classes to the youngest students. These are the "little ones". And no doubt if you saw many of them, you would let out an "awww" and coo like a complete cretin, because many of them are indeed what could be described as cute.

But this is really not the whole story. Because the whole story, is that whilst on the face of it many of them look like cartoon characters, a great number of them are in fact a bunch of gibbering, slack jawed, primordial scum.

It is easy to suggest that six and seven years need to be cut some slack, but if I learnt one thing from Neville Chamberlain it is that appeasement does not work. If you encounter a belligerent piece of filth, you should crush it before it's too late. You might think that teaching is not the career for me, but it's the only one I have, and if you met Phillip who I now teach three times a week, you would probably have yourself immediately sterilised just to be on the safe side.

Phillip's mother says he loves having me as his teacher. I guess it's a love-hate relationship then, as I'd like to impale Phillip on a particularly blunt chopstick. And frankly the fact that he loves having me around doesn't mean very much. He also wrote that he loves kittens, but I wouldn't ask him to feed my Mum's pet cats if she was away on holiday, because he probably loves being around kittens so that he can gouge out their eyes with a hot teaspoon.

Moreover, the lowest level of these classes has a company guideline attached to the course outline that says "Should be taught by a bilingual instructor". Presumably they heard about how I recently added the word "monkey" to my threadbare Korean vernacular and were suitably impressed. Either that, or they just thought it would funny to watch me tell children who are barking and licking chairs to "sit down", when they don't know what the word "sit" or the word "down" means.

After one week, I was told that I would also be guiding them through 3 weeks of intensive classes that also included field trips to a theme park, indoor rock climbing and a day of archery. Archery you say? I'll mentor Phillip if that's okay?

Before this three weeks of frivolity could ensue, the children had to sign a bizarre contract and chant out each point of it in unison. There was a translation in English for each numbered pledge and as the eldest child read it aloud, the rest would repeat it as a mantra. I felt like I had walked into North Korea, as this assortment of midgets chanted in Korean that they would "Strive to conquer any mountain in search of my best" and "Be thankful to Korea and my parents for this opportunity".

There was an almost Hitler Youth type atmosphere that would have warmed the heart of even the most demanding anti-semite. Granted, none of the pledges involved genocide or racial purity, but every indoctrination program has to start somewhere.

In one months time, I will officially be moved to teaching this rabble permanently, but for now I still have the respite of my older students and my higher level classes. Teenagers with genuine wit, and topics to teach that vary from history to science, politics to mythology and not just the word "shoe".

I decided to make the most of my final few weeks with these students, get to know them even better, give my all to class and buoyed by my recent advances in Korea's mother tongue, I thought I should learn some new and hilarious insults for the traditional banter that they so enjoy.

With many of these classes, students hand out faux compliments as a form of desperate bribery, and light hearted insults when this fails. In turn I will use the usual fall back of "Babo" meaning stupid or rename a child on the computer to something ludicrous. The long nights can fly by as you might imagine. But I needed to step it up, because every teacher in Korea knows "Babo". Luckily for me, my good friend Cooper Trooper has been seeing a Korean girl and learnt a fantastic new insult.

"Sakajee". Cooper Trooper explained it to me as meaning "unkind student" or "arrogant student". These things often get lost in literal translation, but his girl assured him that it would make them mildly indignant, surprise them and yet not cause any real offence. Perfect.

I wasted no time, as fourteen year old Lilly came to say hello..."Hello to you too....Sakajee".

Wow.

This was far better than I could have ever hoped. Lilly erupts, stamping her foot like a toddler, shrieking at me "NOOO, No Sakajee". She glares, shakes her fist at me and heads off to her classroom. I'm beaming from ear to ear and in come some of my favourite students, all fourteen and fifteen. I begin to check homework and perfect, Kelly hasn't done hers. I shake my head and say "Ah...Sakajee".

Fantastic response, indignant cries from her and both her friends. This is the best insult ever, why has it taken me this long to find?

I was so delighted, that I decided to spread the wealth and met a group of friends from other schools downtown for some drinks at a bar run by one of Korean friends. I explained the pronunciation and the reactions, and all around me faces once dulled by education were alight at the prospect of insulting those we are paid to help.

Then someone says "What does it actually mean?" and as I struggle to explain the exact meaning, I decide it would be far easier to ask our Korean friend, so I shout him over from the bar...

Me: "Hey Minseok, what does Sakajee exactly mean?"

Minseok: "Oh...very bad, very bad word."

Me: "Yeah yeah, but what does it mean?"

Minseok: "It mean like the girl who likes to always do thing with her mouth...erm...you would say it like 'Cock Sucker'"

What? No, no, no, no, no.

No. NO...OH GOD NO!!!!

I've been strolling into class, smirking, pointing at a teenage student and saying "You're a cock sucker"?

Why do I still have a job? Where are the police? What in the name of Vishnu was Cooper Trooper's girl thinking of? As it turns out apparently if you say "Saah Ga Jee" it means arrogant student, or whatever vague slur I intended, but if I say "Sakajee" it means the aforementioned sexual expletive.

Now thankfully, it appears that either through innocence or by way of understanding my intent, the victims of my unwarranted attack understood my meaning, either that or they have now decided that anything goes when in my presence, as I am regularly greeted by "Saah Ga Jee" and mock fury.

Now if I could just find two similar sounding phrases, where one means "Good job Phillip" and the other means "Jump out of that window", I would be the happiest bilingual instructor in Daegu.