As absolutely nothing has happened in the past two weeks, I am forced to create a blog entirely from the hard work of others. It is certainly not the first time I have used the wisdom of my students to pad out my writings on my fairly uneventful life and it certainly wont be the last.
But this time feels a little worse and a bit more of a cheat, perhaps due to the dizzy heights that were reached when I got to pepper spray Eric. For once I felt like I had achieved something and left behind a weekend that didn't feel wasted. I haven't got to assault anyone in the past two weeks and I haven't even managed to victimise a Korean woman. Times are hard.
However, as you may recall I was recently referred to as a "jackpot" by a Korean stranger commenting on a girls picture of me, which is probably the highlight of the past 10 years if not my entire life. And yet it got better thanks to a random encounter with a student named Austin, who has now got a number of students bestowing me with other nicknames.
Austin is an interesting character. On April Fools Day he wrote his mother a suicide note and hid in his wardrobe, and expressed surprise to me that when she ran screaming and weeping into his bedroom she did not collapse into fits of laughter when he leapt from the wardrobe shouting "April Fools".
I sympathised with him, Korean mothers just have no sense of humour.
Austin has also expressed an interest in western culture, as he told me that he wants to become fluent in English so that he can..."Travel to the UK or America and smoke marijuana and do some cocaine".
I was a little taken aback and he looked at me with hope and expectation, before asking:
"Teacher have you done drugs?"
Me: "No Austin, why?"
He looks wistfully into the air and an almost dreamlike and peaceful expression settles upon his face...
Austin: "I would like to do the drugs one day. It would be nice, but I must finish the school first."
That's right Austin, you must finish the school first, and once you do, why nobody in their right mind would stop you from fulfilling your lifes dream of doing the drugs and I think you'll do them just great.
Despite Austin's liberal approach to illegal drug use, and his love of playful pranks involving the cause of huge distress to his parents, he apparently has a more conservative view of gender roles. Because like so many Korean students, he seems to think that if a male is walking with a female who is not family, then they must be in some form of sexual relationship. If only this were true, because I regularly walk along the road with females and sometimes we even have lunch together!
As it happened, one bright Sunday afternoon I was walking along with Chef and another female friend we shall call "Mallory", basically because that's her name. So Chef, Mallory and I strolled through the sunshine enjoying a cold beer, and although I don't recall the conversation, I'd imagine Chef was saying something ridiculous and Mallory and I were laughing at her and calling her names.
At this point, Austin strolls into view. Not a crack pipe in sight, and this would be such a nice day for him to be smoking crack too. He sees me and his eyes widen, he smirks, looks at my companions and quickly says "Hello" before jogging off into the distance.
The following week at school and suddenly I am cornered by a gaggle of middle school girls, some saying that I am a "windy boy" which means playboy. Others are calling me "Casanova Teacher" and one girl approachs looking very unhappy and says "I am very disappointed to you". I look at her and realise that such grammar is unacceptable even if she is upset, "It's 'I am very disappointed IN you' and why are you?"
Austin has told them I have two girlfriends who I take out to get drunk on the street. I explain that they are not my girlfriends, just girls who I am friends with. I carefully avoid tackling the getting drunk part, but Austin appears beaming as happily as the day he convinced his Mum he had killed himself.
Austin: "Ah teacher, I told Jenny teacher she should not speak with you, because you will suck her in."
Me: "They are just friends Austin, not my girlfriends."
Austin: "Hmmm...okay, but you were drinking the beer on the street."
Me: "Yes but I'm old enough to drink beer, it's not a problem."
Austin: "But on THE STREET!"
Me: "I always drink on the street at home if it's a hot day and I'm going somewhere..."
Austin: "AH HA! But you are in Korean now"
Me: "Yes, but...."
Austin sees me faltering and his face lights up...
Austin: "When in Rome teacher."
And with a triumphant smile he strolls off, leaving me to face a barrage of questions about how many girlfriends I have and how many of them I have "kicked" when I found a new one.
Despite this set back in my carefully crafted school persona, it was worth it to hear a 14 year old correctly use "When in Rome", even though in Daegu I see middle aged men constantly drinking on the street, but perhaps this would come to an end under Austins rule. No drinking on the street, but free narcotics for anyone who finishes school.
There were two other moments of student wisdom this past week that spring to mind. The first one is most pleasing as today is American Independence Day. As much as I like my American friends and will happily drink on the street for 4th of July, it is good to see that some of the students recognise the inherent beauty of the English language spoken as God intended.
In a high level class last week, 15 year old Kelly told me how happy she was that I was her teacher because I had British English. I agreed that it was quite the blessing for her and then she summed up exactly my thoughts on American English...
Kelly: "The other teachers are all American, and I don't like this American English. It is dirty and we should learn British English. When I hear this American English...uggghhhh....it is just like, it is like....an earthworm. It is like an earthworm to me. Take it away."
American English IS like an earthworm. All these years I had failed to put my finger on what it was that was not right, and now a moment of clarity. It's like an earthworm. Of course.
And if you thought that was a tad surreal. This last one is even better. This was a homework check in which students must write an original sentence using a word. The word was "similar" and the student was 8 year old Victory. What a name.
I open his book and read: "My little sisters dream is similar to Pat Boone's".
I looked at Victory and said "Pat Boone?", to which he replied "Rock and Roll".
That was all the explanation I could get from him, but I highly doubt that a little Korean girl shares the dreams of a 78 year old former singer whose main beliefs now appear to be that President Obama was born in Kenya and that gay rights are the biggest threat to the USA. Still, perhaps I'm understimating Victory's little sister.
