Wednesday 25 May 2011

Say Hello And Wave Goodbye.

Well here I am. My year in Korea has somehow come to a conclusion in the blink of an eye and as I approach the end of my contract so does Little Spoon, Tiny and Justice. Little Spoon and I are off to Vietnam and Laos for a holiday, while Tiny and Justice are travelling the world. But before we depart this coming weekend, I felt it proper to fill in the blanks of the last few weeks.

A new teacher Huckleberry arrived. A man with experience in teaching for this company before. A man who has travelled half the globe and worked in orphanages in Africa and South America. A man who has to replace me.

I smirked at the idea that a worldly wise, orphan helping, experienced teacher could possibly fill the void left behind by someone best known for eating around 24 eggs a week and smelling of alcohol up until about 2.30pm on any given day.

This year he spent time in the Middle East meeting people in Yemen, Oman and elsewhere to discuss issues around American foreign policy and to talk about the recent killing of Bin Laden with a diverse group of individuals.

Fair play I guess. Earlier this year I completed a gigantic burger challenge in a new bar record of 23 minutes! Four half pound burgers, eight rashers of bacon, eight slices of cheese and side orders of fries and chilli. A NEW RECORD! My picture was taken by the bar and put on their facebook page. I'd like to see an orphan try and beat that sort of time.

But as it happens Huck (a clever abbreviation of Huckleberry I'm sure you'll agree) is actually a very good replacement for me. Because as it happens he also likes to drink, is mildly misanthropic at times and doesn't actually have any real qualifications that should allow him to teach.
He also stood on his head on a table in a bar on the first night.

Give the man my job.

The only real concern was breaking the tragic news to my kids. How would they take it? Badly I was guessing. I explained to one class of 10-11 year olds that I would be leaving as I marked their homework. This work consists of them being given a word which they must use in an original sentence and then a phrase or short sentence which they must use in a longer, original sentence.

I took 11 year old Lilly's book and gave her a reassuring smile, I felt that she might take the news harder than most, such was her affection for me and my quirky take on education. Let's see, she had to use the word "possibility" here...

"There is possibility I kick Monkey Roberts Teacher"

Interesting. So how did she use the word "imagining"?

"I imagining I'm rich and Monkey Roberts teacher is the beggar"

Clearly my zany sense of humour had rubbed off a little, but it was all light hearted fun. I read on "Use the phrase 'A long way to go'"...

"Monkey Roberts teacher still had a long way to go after the operation for his terrible accident of losing the legs."


I look up at her now. She is smiling and nodding "Funny teacher?" I nod slowly, yes they're fucking hilarious Lilly. Okay what's the last phrase? Ah she must use "Full Tilt" in a sentence. I'd like to see you get in some cruel jibe at me here.

"Monkey Roberts teacher came full tilt against the electrical fence and went to dead."

But Lilly was so proud of her work she showed the rest of the class, and now 50% of them write their sentences based upon my demise. Well, I'll show them. I'm coming back. That's right, I will ramble around Vietnam and Laos with Little Spoon and then I will have a couple of months in England, but then I shall return!

And when I do, I will be coming into class "full tilt" you little rat, and "imagining" how I can make my lessons even more monotonous; oh and there's a "possibility" I will spill hot tea over your face. You've "got a long way to go" with me yet Lilly.

And it is that type of creative writing that landed me this position in the first place, a position I feel forced to return to on the basis that I have no other options other than perhaps becoming a human guinea pig for pharmaceutical companies or an armed robber. Both options I will mull over this time next year.

It has overall been a great year mind you and I will be sad to see Little Spoon, Tiny and Justice not here when I return. But they have to go and have new drugs tested on them and hold up banks so I wish them the best.

You will be relieved to know that I intend to blog about Vietnam and Laos and even about my return to England, so there's a light at the end of the permanently long dark tunnel that is your collective lives.

So before I go and eat some eggs, I will leave you with as always some fantastic free thinking from the students of Daegu. The first was a speech in response to my question of how we could help people with disabilities and why we should. After listing the various conditions such as blindness, paralysis and so on, there was a heartfelt plea from twelve year old Julia for everyone to care for each other and then this succinct conclusion.

"So look after disabled or you get the punishment. Perhaps chop off the arms."

Have you been reading the Old Testament again Julia? Yahweh would be so proud.

And finally in a class of younger students, we somehow taught them about conditioning responses in animals. I thought them a little young for Pavlov's Dogs, but they got the idea and then had to choose an animal for a pet and one trick they would like to train or condition it to do.

Lena chose a mouse but not without reservations.

"I want to pets the mouse. Because I think it is very cute, genius personality and smart with the tricks. Also it eats the cheese. However, mouse is small and very dirty so I sure to cleaning the mouse and want to condition it and say 'Don't be eating the cheese everyday and you just wait!'"


Yeah mouse, always eating the cheese, learn to wait you dirty, small genius.

Wednesday 4 May 2011

A Week Of Royalty And Retro.

Well what an exciting week it has been. Two complete strangers engaged in the highly rare and unique ceremony known as a wedding last Friday and I for one was beside myself with delight. When your life is interminably dull, there is nothing more soothing than living it vicariously through others, and if those others happen to be very rich for no good reason then even better.

It was a crying shame that being stuck out here in Korea I missed the hype and frenzy that apparently built up throughout Britain and many other countries in the build up to the big day. I was told that one lady interviewed on British television had flown in from the USA solely for the wedding and had camped out for four days to get a prime spot for watching the procession. What determination, what enthusiasm, what a woman.

Just before the procession came fully into view she caught a glimpse of Prince Williams red jacket sleeve and fainted, was put into an ambulance and missed the entire wedding. What tragedy, what misfortune, what a cretin.

And that was a moment I would have paid to see and treasured for always. In years to come I could sit my grandchildren down and tell them where I was on the day an American half-wit feinted and ruined her entire holiday. Being a huge fan of schadenfreude, this heart warming tale lit up my rather stale week and I told anyone who would listen about the "best moment of the Royal Wedding".

As it happened, during the actual ceremony I was teaching a group of 14 year old students in my usual jovial fashion. One of them asked me if I was sad that I "cannot see the Prince's wedding" and I had to gently explain that I was not sad because I was a republican who would like to see the Queen beheaded in a violent, bloody uprising. He nodded solemnly and continued to work on his presentation about creating a movie; a movie which his team gave the tag line:

"If you see this movie, you will piss your pants".

It sounds like the sort of movie experience that the fainting American tourist might enjoy. Night out at the cinema? Well sure, but only if something extremely embarrassing will happen, you know how I like to spend my leisure time.

Talking of Princes, I was accused of having a syndrome carrying this very title only a few weeks ago. One of my female students complimented me on being "very handsome today teacher" and I of course replied "Yes I know".

Given that this rather regular false compliment is given out by students almost every lesson in the futile hope that it will result in you letting them play games rather than work, you would think my reply would be brushed aside. But it was not. A group of four girls erupted in high pitched screeches of amazement and fury...

"No no, Prince syndrome. Teacher you Prince Syndrome."


Prince Syndrome? I immediately thought of the singer and stopped in my tracks fixing this gaggle of shrieking adolescents with a steely, yet intellectual stare. I have Prince Syndrome do I? Are you trying to insinuate that I am a short, scrawny, weasel of a man who enjoys wearing velvet suits?! HOW DARE YOU! I am not short.

I demanded an explanation and it turned out that Prince Syndrome basically translates to arrogance. A boy or man with this affliction thinks of himself as a Prince and is hugely conceited. I assured my class that I did not have Prince Syndrome, as frankly it sounds like a weakness in someones character, and I simply don't have any weaknesses in mine. Moreover, of my numerous virtues, modesty is one of my strongest points.

But I did think of Prince Syndrome last Friday when the students asked me about the Royal Wedding. Can a Prince have Prince Syndrome? There's a deep, philisophical question for you to ponder.

Despite the wedding not getting huge coverage here, it was certainly covered and it made the front pages of the newspapers. But then archaic institutes like the Royal Family should be popular here, as despite their love of technology, many Korean children in particular seem obsessed by objects that are at best quite retro and at worst outdated.

I see some cheerful young teen wandering the corridors of the school with his Rubiks Cube in hand and give him an approving nod. But in the classroom their obsession with pencils and pens is even more bizarre. Every child seems to pride their reloadable pencil; the type where you put flimsy lead sticks into it and can then press a button to make a nib appear, only for it to break as soon as you start writing and then press the button again.

They love a good pencil these kids. But the other day one of my students 'Homer Simpson' upstaged the entire class with his prize possession. A Parker Fountain Pen.

Now, I have no idea if Parker pens were popular in the USA, but back in about 1992 when I was at school, Parker pens were very much sought after. But this was in 1992. It's now 2011. I felt that perhaps I should let Homer Simpson know that we now lived in a world of DVDs and the Internet, but he was too busy holding court to an amazed mob of small children who were fawning over his pen.
A pen that leaks. A pen that makes a blotchy mess everytime you use it even slightly carelessy. A pen that can break very easily and needs to be refilled all the time.

Now I know how much retro attractions carry weight in the classroom, I am thinking of ways to impress my students. Perhaps I could leave my I-Pod at home and swagger into work with a Walkman. The kids were go mental. I could show them the old cup and ball on a string game, throw away your Wii kids, all you need is this and a spinning top to be the pride of Daegu.

Imagine if I rode to school on a Penny Farthing! I can imagine the scenes of jubilation now. Crowds of children cheering, Korean parents awe struck at my British extravagance, and fellow teachers lining the roads to take a picture of me gliding to work in style. I would just have to hope than none of my American co-workers fainted before they even got to see the little wheel at the back.